what am I feeling..

I'm not really a person to be able to write down what I am thinking. I just skip around and it just makes it feel like I never put any thought into it. I have never been good at writing english papers and when I did write a decent one it took me a REALLY long time. I just don't know how to express in detail what I am trying to say. I am kind of tug a war with myself right now. I keep going back and forth about what to do with myself. 
I am a working Mom. I have to work right now. There is no getting over that. We have to have that income, especially now with how jake can't find a good job ( we are going on 4 new jobs in the last year) I want to have savings, I want to be completely out of debt, I don't like where we are financially. I have been trying to think of ways to earn extra money and that I can still do working full time, and being a full time mom. 
Jake's new job is better, he does make more $, and we don't pay as much day care, so that is really going to help. I guess I haven't seen the money yet, so I don't believe it is going to be there. I just feel lost right now. I want a quick fix and its not coming. 
there is also so many things going on with jobs that I am being looked at that would really make the money situation a lot better, there is an online job that I could do at night, and a different job that I applied for that would pay more, but I don't want to get my hopes up for anything because I have been let down so much this year I can't even begin to tell you. 
I really think that is my problem. I can't get excited over anything because not to much has gone as planned. 
I really want to stay home with my baby. I did get to stay home with him for 6 months and had a love hate relationship with it. I love going to work, and being part of something else, but I love staying home with Reed, I feel like staying home is harder sometimes. I have to have the motivation to do a thankless job. not my favorite
I like my job right now, they think that I am so smart and that I can pretty much do anything. :)
It nice to feel needed. 
but at the same time I want to have more kids, I don't want Reed and the next child to be to far apart, and it took me a year to get pregnant with Reed so I just don't know how to plan this out. If I don't get pregnant for another year they will be over 3 years apart. what to do. I do not know. I probably should just listen to the my own advise on the visiting teaching lesson I gave this month and have patience. And you have to have faith to have patience. I must be lacking in the faith department. 
I think I just need some sunshine. 
that always makes me feel better. swimming Saturday anyone?? noon?

P.S. Jake starts school on Tuesday! I can't wait to get him graduated! (its far away, but at least we are making progress)